Did you want to meet me,
Down by the store,
To make me sore,
In the back of my car?
Is that all we are?
No, we’re so much more,
Than sex on the floor.
What is really key,
Is that you love me,
And that I love you,
And nothing’s more true.
This whole pattern we go through kills me every time. I hate that I can’t let you go. Whenever we see each other it reminds me of how perfectly you get me and how much I love spending time with you. But then you drop off the face of the earth like you don’t even know who I am. I keep telling myself that if you don’t want to see me then fine. But it’s just… I can’t stop checking your facebook to see what you’re up to and checking to see if that car that just drove by was yours. I don’t want to care, because it hurts so much to have someone that means so much to me not even bother to speak to me. The worst part is that I know that within the first moment I see you next I will have completely forgiven you.
You’re an awful person. If you don’t care about me, then just tell me. The way you understand me makes me feel so hollow and lonely when you don’t bother wasting your time on me. Over and over again, you’ve said that you knew you did wrong and that you would change and that we’d have that friendship that we agreed to. But you’re really just an egocentric busy-body who pretends she’s got a kind heart without ever actually proving it, and that makes me so sad for the times you were my best friend.
What if I told you exactly what you mean to me? Or what you did mean to me? I mean, I’m not sure if I do or if I did or if I just thought I did, but I do know that you and I shared a lot of rather profound moments. I know that you and I care about each other so deeply, that it’s probably not healthy. But I wonder, if I told you about the extent I took it to in my mind, then what would you say? I have a weird feeling that you’d know. That maybe you’d tell me it didn’t need saying. You understand who I am more than anyone else, perhaps you realized how I felt but it didn’t change anything. Maybe, you’d tell me you felt the same… but then what. Then nothing. We’d just live with it. It wouldn’t change anything. Not really. But also, you may not know. You don’t tend to understand the effect you have on people. If I told you then it would change everything. I can’t tell you about it ever.
Well, actually I can think of a situation that I would then eventually tell you, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. You were the only one ever.
Last spring, I was really in a bad place. I’ll never tell you that a lot of my problems had to do with the confusion you were causing in my head. However, over the past six months, I’ve noticed a fluctuation in my mood every few weeks. It’s about one month will be fine and the next is not so fine. But it’s also pretty consistent with when you’re home from college. I mean, I’m very excited to see you every time you come back, but I’m also really confused and then suddenly everything is just not okay in my head. I just don’t know if it’s a coincidence or if I really need to figure out what you are to me.
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You’re worried I’m upset with you when I get quiet, but that’s not it at all. I’m just incapable of feeling anything sometimes. I’m afraid to admit that to you. Sometimes it’s really hard for me to keep my head on straight and that’s really scary. I don’t want you to have to get involved and I also don’t want you to go away. As you and I keep getting closer, I’m scared I’ll have to tell you eventually. It’s already difficult to make you believe me when I say “I’m fine.” I want you to know that sometimes all I need is for someone to hold me, but I don’t want to be dependent on anyone either. I hate being alone in this, but I don’t want anyone else to get themselves involved. I’m worried that I won’t be able to have any romantic relationships or close friendships because of this logic and I don’t know what to do about it. I used to have a handle on it and was able to keep it hidden so well no one could believe I was ever unhappy. All the stress and change from this past year has made it nearly unbearable and no matter how hard I try the people I see frequently finally have an inkling that something’s wrong.
Come on darlin’ have some indecency,
You know there’s nothing you could say that would embarrass me,
I heard a song tell me that talk is cheap,
But it’s all you do with me,
And I am finally accepting that.
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